Welcome back after a month’s hiatus. As you may notice, we had a little refresh while I was gone. Our Hundred Years is now called “Mortal Beings.” I didn’t like the looks on people’s faces I sometimes got when I said “Our Hundred Years.” Since I write about the profound reality that we’re living with an unknown, yet certain, expiration date, I decided to get right to the point with a new name. While paid readers (thank you) got an insider’s peek into some photos and personal updates during the break, it’s now September and I thought we should get back to life school.
Who decides what we learn?
One thing I’ve struggled to let go of is seeing other adults as my students. (That may explain the creation of this column!) We all have knowledge to share but only a seeker can learn. So who do seekers learn from when we get to choose our teachers? Here are a few of the teachers who’ve made an impact on my life, along with a valuable lesson learned from each. Maybe you know some or have a list of your own. If so, please share in the comments.
My teachers for a quick study in adult life
INTELLECTUAL
M. Scott Peck
I was in my twenties when I read a book titled “The Road Less Travelled.” I remember lying in bed reading it in my awful little apartment on the top floor of an awful little house, living with my first awful little boyfriend. I had an awful job then too. Thankfully, none of that awfulness lasted. But the welcome wave of change that eased everything after that time didn’t just magically happen. It started with a strong message I got in that book. The lesson that stayed with me was that human beings have a tendency to avoid struggle and suffering, so when faced with a problem, they take the easiest route to a solution (the path of least resistance). My easiest route would have been to stay with all of that awfulness and not push back, not drag myself out of bed and start facing the reality that I didn’t want to remain stuck in that life. What appeared like the easy path (changing nothing) was actually the hardest because it would have prolonged my suffering. This early teacher’s words helped me rally, and that led to the first steps that created change.
Quote: “Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at any cost. Emotional health is facing reality at any cost.”
Lesson: Your life is worthy of the hard work it takes to gain insight and, therefore, advance your emotional and psychological skills. Be willing to make uncomfortable change. Thank you, Dr. Peck.
My tip: Start with just one tiny change and build on it. What ideas do you have that might lead to change in a bad situation?
EMOTIONAL
Melody Beattie
She wrote about the impact that loving someone with a dependency or disorder has on you. Many of her books are enlightening, but “Co-Dependent No More” was an early one that you may be familiar with. I learned from her that you can spend a lifetime waiting for a person to recognize their self-destruction, hoping things will get better, while not noticing that your own sanity and energy gets destroyed simply by remaining near them. We think we are so strong that we can tolerate the behaviors of those who are not well, so strong that we won’t also get sick, so strong that we won’t lose our strength by keeping them near. Sometimes we don’t learn this lesson until it’s too late.
Quote: “Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life.”
Lesson: Boundaries from others—even those we love—keep us healthy in times of great strain. Learning to recognize that we need these boundaries is a challenge worthy of attention, even when their implementation is met with resistance.
My tip: When you’re tempted to give into something or someone, try silence instead. It gives you time to gather yourself and may be all it takes to stop an unhealthy habit of compliance.
(In memoriam: Melody Beattie died recently. She will be missed by many of us)
PHYSICAL
Geneen Roth
Most of her writing is about food and our relationship to it. But it was clear from an early read long ago that her insight into our puzzling human behavior goes well beyond eating habits. She writes about what we believe we deserve being reflected in how we treat our bodies (hint: you are not a trash can to store the food you don’t really want), about how we developed these messages, and how we subconsciously shape even the bad lessons into a life of unnecessary struggle.
Quote: “If you think your job is to fix what is broken, you keep finding more broken places to mend.”
Lesson: Use bad habits as portals to your inner self and find out what’s pushing the actions that have unhealthy consequences. Never be afraid to look.
My tip: Always be brutally honest with yourself—even if your discoveries remain secret.
PRACTICAL
Leo Babauta. Zen Habits
Leo writes about implementing small daily habits in your routines that effect long-term change. Hack: keep your wants list small as you recognize the life clutter you can do without. Icky job? Not enough money? Too much weight? All approachable in his breathe-easy style. He helps you sneak in change only where you want it. You can sign up for free emails or paid classes that step you through his Zen Habits program. I was impressed when he sent me an email one day that said something like “I’ve noticed you haven’t been opening these. I don’t want to add clutter to your life so if I don’t hear back from you, I’ll take you off the list.” He was willing to let me go even though I hadn’t asked just to keep me from my bad habit of hanging onto a zillion emails. I stayed on and kept reading because sometimes it’s just the insight I need in a day. @leobabauta
Quote: “Doing a huge number of things doesn’t mean you’re getting anything meaningful done.”
Lesson: Make having a peaceful and contented life easy.
My tip: Time your morning routine into small chunks of things that mean the most to you. For me, it’s fifteen minutes of sketching, or an hour of writing, or twenty minutes of stretching, or ten minutes of meditating. Not everything every day. A little does a lot.
SPIRITUAL
Krista Tippett
She is the creator of “On Being,” a podcast and radio show that examines our sense of purpose and connection to a greater force through interviews of very interesting and insightful people. I’ve written before about yearning for a spiritual kind of practice that doesn’t involve religion and there was a time when Krista helped me find it. Her radio program was aired on my local station early Sunday mornings—right when all the religious types were heading to church. It was a quiet time for me, usually in my kitchen, so I would light a candle and listen. I learned something new and insightful from accomplished people I’d never heard of who were expert at helping others to close down their mental chatter and open their hearts. Beautiful. @Kristatippett has a Substack now called The Pause.
Quote: “The things that go wrong for you have a lot of potential to become part of your gift to the world.”
Lesson: The world is full of teachers, and we bring peace to our lives through the wisdom of others. Krista is skilled at bringing them to you.
My tip: We need peace now more than ever. Listen to a few of her interviews, find someone whose words put you at ease, and subscribe or read them regularly.
May you approach your life lessons with ease, in tiny snippets, between longer spans of pleasure-seeking and life enjoyment. Thank you for reading with me and sharing this brief mortal life.
Welcome back!
The new look is clean, smooth, and quite chic. All in an friendly way. It fits you!
Your teacher list is great! I would have left off one name; if you really want to learn that one, shoot me an email.
I would also Pema Chödrön. Anyone who writes a book titled "When Things Fall Apart" has street cred in my eyes.
But again, good teachers and insights!. Many of your takeaways are useful conclusions we talk about in addiction recovery. And I believe the concept that we're all recovering from something.
So very glad you're back!